Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm having a bad day - again. Seem to be having a lot of bad days lately.
Combination of the dark, dreary days and the upcoming of what would have been Moms 79th Birthday on 21st March. It's been just over 15 months since she died and it's still a raw emotion.

I can feel the dark cloud descending over me like a heavy blanket.
I used to get these feelings years ago but never knew what it was but since being diagnosed with cancer and subsequently diagnosed with clinical depression I now have a name for these feelings!

I now know all about the "black dog" - he comes to visit on a regular basis. But rather than let him in to take over my life I make him sit in the corner and ignore him. I am in control here. I can't stop him coming, not yet; but I can have him here on my terms.

Another issue that has been getting me down is my health. At almost 5 years since my treatment ended I had hoped that I would be back to normal - (whatever that means) and be out doing all the things I used to do before cancer struck.
Things like walks along the beach; going camping; walking around the island.

It's hard accepting that its not going to happen. Even walking downstairs to get the bus is hard work - hence why I don't go out much.

Trying to adjust to a new "normal" is hard and its made even harder when chronic fatigue is added into the mix. People telling me that I just need a good nights sleep is not helping either - hence one of the reasons why I don't go out much.

Having to listen to people telling me that they got over their cancer and resumed a normal life within 3 months is not going to make me feel any better; neither is people telling me that I just need to get some exercise or to loose some weight!!

It's not about feeling sorry for myself or expecting others to feel sorry for me - sympathy I can do without. A little understanding wouldn't go amiss now and again but that seems to be asking for too much from some people.

Things need to change and only I can change them. Its going to be a hard task but its something I have to do. I survived cancer but for that to mean anything there has to be a reason for surviving it.

I just need to find one.

Good intentions and all that!!!

I had decided at the beginning of the year to make a concerted effort to restart regular posts here but as usual, lots of other things got in the way.
However, I am determined to give it another go.
It is now the end of the first week in March and the weather is still miserable here on west coast of Scotland. However, we've been lucky as usual in that Bute hasn't had anywhere near as much bad weather as the rest of the country.

As some of you may know if you've been following my albeit somewhat erratic blog posts, I was diagnosed with womb cancer at the end of Dec 2009. I don't class myself as "in remission" yet - that will be on 12th July when I finished my treatment.

Sadly, my health has failed to improve since I finished treatment (surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy) and I've been left with chronic long term side effects. I've spent the last 4.5 years hoping that things would get better but have now had to admit to myself that they won't. Even my GP has told me that my health is the best it's going to get so I just have top accept it.

Accepting that I can no longer go camping or walking around this lovely wee island that I now call home has been hard. I have long term health issues that mean walking to the bus stop is hard so I rarely go out of the house these days. Its become easier to stay indoors rather than struggle to go down stairs and go out into town. (We live in a first floor flat!)

Added to my physical health problems have been the emotional problems that I have been trying to deal with since Mom died in Dec 2013. Her death came suddenly; she was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer) just 5 weeks before she died and myself and my brother and sister have found it very hard to deal with.

It's Mothers Day next Sunday - the second one without her. Then the following week it's her Birthday - she would have been 79 this year.

She will always be missed. Love you Mom.

Winter has arrived!

After what has been a very mild end to 2014, the weather has turned decidedly wintery up here on west coast of Scotland and we've had out first snow fall of the winter.

This was the view out of our window yesterday morning when I opened the curtains.

Ok, I know it doesn't look like much but we don't get very much snow at all here on Isle of Bute as we are right at the end of the Gulf stream. What we do get a lot of is high winds, especially south westerlies and that's when the ferries go off.

So over the past few days we've had strong winds, hailstorms, rains and snow. Such a difference to Christmas day when it was lovely and sunny and we sat on the bench down on the shore for an hour.

 

So for now we wrap up warm and keep the wind up torch close to hand incase the power goes off.

 



Doing something just for you!

At this time of year, people all over the world are making New Year resolutions, many of which will never be kept beyond the first week in January.

Things like eating healthy or cutting down on the alcohol or getting more exercise are always high on the list of promises we make to ourselves as the clock ticks closer to midnight on 31st December every year.

Why is it that we choose this time of year to decide to make changes?
Why not the middle of April or the last day of September?

When was the last time you decided to do something for you? Something that wasn't planned, just done on the spur of the moment.
Something that bought joy to you; lifted your spirits; made you feel happy?

Most of us live such hum drum lives that we often forget about the little things that can make us smile.

The smell of freshly baked bread; a few flowers picked from the garden; listening to the birds singing; watching the stars in the night sky.

When was the last time you did something that made you smile?
Make time in your life on a regular basis for something that brings you joy and happiness.

5 Years On!

On the morning of 23^rd Dec 2009 I heard the words that would change my life – “I’m sorry, but you have cancer”.

Over the past 5 years a lot of things have happened. I stepped aboard a seemingly never ending rollercoaster. At the end of January 2010 I had a full hysterectomy; and when the pathology results came back showing that there were still cancer cells present I then had to go through chemotherapy and then radiotherapy. Then a week before my 47^th Birthday in July 2010, my safety net of regular appointments ended and I was left alone to carry on my life.

How do you return to what was your life BC – before cancer? Everything has changed. Everything is different. Your outlook on life; your hopes and fears are all mixed up. People around you change as well. Those who you thought you could rely on fall away yet others step up to the mark and become new friends.

Since the treatment ended, my health has not got better like I expected it too. In fact, it’s got much worse.  Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have also been  diagnosed with an epi gastric hernia; an under active thyroid and lymphoedema in both legs.  I also have severe cognitive and memory problems and fatigue as a result of the treatment.  I don’t sleep very well and also have bowel and bladder issues, which is the reason why the epi gastric hernia isn’t going to be repaired any time soon!

The past 5 years have been tough, much more than I ever thought they would be. Had I known then what I know now there is a very good chance that I would not have had the chemotherapy or radiotherapy. The side effects of the treatment were never fully explained to me and for that I am extremely angry. However I can’t change what has happened and I have to learn to live with the consequences of the treatment.

There have been some very dark times as well recently.  Loosing my Mom to cholagniocarcinoma or bile duct cancer last Dec was extremely hard to deal with. The past year without her has been very hard and the anniversary of her death this year was tough to deal with.

5 years is a long time – an awful lot has happened and now is the time to take a step back and think about the future.

Where does the road go from here? Who knows?  I don’t have a map; I guess we’ll just have to wait and see where the rollercoaster takes us next!

Cancer doesn't care what age you are!

Sadly, cancer has taken yet another young life today; one amongst many who die every day.
Elena Baltacha, former British number one tennis player has died of a type of liver cancer,  cholangiocarcinoma, aged just 30.

This is the cancer that my Mom died of just a five months ago.

It's a fairly rare cancer, around 1,800 people a year in UK will die of it. It is also a very aggressive cancer and sadly it is hard to diagnose. Most patients are not diagnosed until the cancer is fairly advanced and the outlook is not very good.

Baltacha was diagnosed back in mid January; Mom was diagnosed just 5 weeks before she died.

There is very little known about what causes this type of cancer and also very little awareness.

If some good can come from either my Mom's death or that of Elena Baltacha then lets hope that it involves more awareness and more funds for research.

At present there is only one UK charity for Cholangiocarcinoma and that is AMMF - please visit their website and make a donation if you can.

Any awareness of this cancer is also useful so please spread the word and share this blog.

xx Kaz xx

How do you deal with grief?

It’s often said that life doesn’t come with an instruction manual; and sadly neither does death.

Loosing someone close to you is hard to deal with, especially when it comes unexpectedly.

I recently lost my Mother to a rare and very aggressive cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma.  Something I had never heard of and it took me a week to learn how to say it properly. It’s actually bile duct cancer and Mom died just short of 5 weeks from getting her diagnosis.

As a daughter, I always knew that one day the time would come when I lost my parents but I never expected it to be so soon and so quickly.

Living over 350 miles away meant that I wasn’t able to be there with Mom in her final days; being cared for in a wonderful hospice. When diagnosed she had been given 4 – 6 months so for her to die so quickly was a shock for everyone.

We had to wait 10 days for the funeral – I would have much preferred it to have been sooner because there was this feeling of being in limbo. Unable to grieve properly because there was so much paperwork and waiting.

The funeral was as Mom had wanted; short; non-religious; and simple.

It’s hard to accept that she is no longer around. No more phone calls from her on a Saturday evening after she has checked her lottery tickets. No more letters through the post when she sends me photos of the flowers in the garden. 

I’m angry that she has been taken from me; it’s unfair and I want her back. It would have been her 77^th Birthday on 21^st March and cancer has denied me the chance of ever singing Happy Birthday down the phone to her again.

So how do you deal with grief? I wish I knew. What I do know is that it hurts like hell and even though people keep saying that it gets easier, I can’t ever imagine a time when I don’t think of her .

In honour of Mom, I am holding an online auction on Facebook to raise funds for AMMF - the UK's only cholangiocarcinoma charity. I'm hoping that by keeping busy on the day it will make it easier for me to deal with things.

I hope things get easier as time passes.