Older & Wiser!!! Reflecting on a wasted life.

Not sure if it's just me but I think the older you get the more you tend to reflect on the life you have lived.

Around the age of 50-ish is when I think it tends to start. Before that age you still have time to do the stuff you've maybe always wanted to do but after that age you tend to think that maybe you've left it too late.

When we are younger we have all these ideas of what we want to do with our lives; what kind of job we want; where we want to live; where we want to travel to; things we want to see and do. If we are lucky then we get to do some of it.

But for many people those dreams never turn into reality. Not for want of wishing or trying - but sometimes, everyday "life" just gets in the way and you spend so much time existing that you never get the chance to do what you really want to do.

When I was younger (which was a long time ago!!) I wanted to travel the world, like a lot of people do. I wanted to be a photographer, going from country to country, capturing the culture and people there in images.

But, that never happened. 

"Life" happened though and in a couple of years time I will be 60 and I wonder where all the time went.

I look back on my life and wonder what happened; life just slipped me by somehow. 

I got as far as 46 with nothing major happening and then cancer came visiting. Like most people who hear the word "cancer" I felt that my life was over. 

You tend to get very reflective when something major like a major injury or health issues occurs but I had nothing to look back on - and nothing much to look forward to either.

The ongoing health issues resulting from my cancer diagnosis has meant that my quality of life has been close to zero since then and sometimes, in the depths of depression I wonder what the point of it all is. 

I don't like the "fight" & "battle" language that is used around cancer but I often wonder if it was worth going through all the treatment, pain, discomfort, worry etc. 

Cancer patients often talk about their life in 2 parts - BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer). For me, AC has been a waste of time. I know some people reading this will be shocked at that, but hopefully some will understand what I mean. 

Because of my ongoing health issues, which are mostly as a result of the treatment I had (chemotherapy & radiotherapy), I have said many times that if I knew then what I know now I would not have had the treatment. 

When people hear me say that some say things like "but you've had all these extra years" but what is the point of having "all these extra years" if I've not been able to do anything with them? I would rather have had a year or 2 (maybe more who knows) of being able to do something in what time I had left. Knowing that my time was possibly limited might have spurred me on to do some of what I had always wanted to do, but now I can't.

So less than 2 years until I hit 60. I'm not afraid of getting older or even of dying. It's the one thing that we can all be certain of - that one day we will die. However long we live, whether it be 10, 20, 30 or even 100 years - we will all die eventually.

I can't understand these people who want to live forever. WHY? 

I would just like to be able to do something with what is left of my life before I die. Something that gave my life meaning; something worthwhile; something that gave me enjoyment and made me feel alive.

Is that too much to ask?

1 Year On.

 

12 months ago today, 8th Oct at around 9am I called the local health centre to ask if a GP could do a home visit as I was unable to leave the flat to go up there due to various reasons. However the GP refused to come see me and sent out an ambulance & 2 paramedics to take me up to the local hospital. I felt this was totally unneccesary and a complete waste of money.  

They arrived around lunchtime & strapped me into some metal chair which was very uncomfortable and dragged me down the stairs like I was a sack of coal. I was getting increasingly stressed and they wouldn’t stop despite me screaming at them. They could see I was severely agitated and crying yet they refused to stop. By the time I got into the ambulance I had almost passed out and needed oxygen. Yet before they arrived I was walking about in the flat, albeit slowly but ok. They way they treated me was not what I expected and it left me extremely traumatised & distressed.

I aksed to see a GP because I had a large abcess in my groin area but by the time I got up to the hospital I was virtually unable to breath without oxygen and was highly distressed.

At the hospital I was seen to by a couple of nurses and then the rest of it is mostly a blur. I remember seeing a couple of faces I recognised (it’s a small island and you get used to seeing people around even if you don’t know their names) I must have passed out a few times because when I woke up my clothes – my top & bra (both brand new) had been cut off me as had my knickers & trousers and I was in the obligatory hospital gown – which as always is never big enough. I was told I needed to go to the mainland and would be airlifted over once the helicopter had landed over the road on the local football pitch.

I spent the next 2 weeks in Paisley hospital in the coronary care unit – seems I had something called “Atrial Fibrillation” which is a heart condition that causes an irregular and often abnormally fast heart rate. I was told it was like a mini heart attack.

You can read the blog post I wrote when I eventually got out of hospital here 

I ended up back at the local hospital a week after coming home as I had a mini stroke – so heart issues, diabetes & a stroke. I don’t do things by halves me!!!!

So a year on, nothing much has changed. Health is still bad, I’m still on meds for the heart issue, and the diabetes, which I was told I had less than an hour before I was discharged from the hospital after nearly 2 weeks – is causing me a lot of problems. I had asked to be referred to mental health services but they are totally overstretched here on the island and not taking new referals apparently so nothing came of that. 

I’m still housebound, so in total (apart from the trip to hospital) I’ve not been out of the flat for nearly 20 months since late Feb. 2020.

Still not seen a GP either!!!