Living with Depression

I live with depression. I have finally said it out loud. Notice I said I "live" with it rather than "suffer" with it. There is sadly enough stigma around admitting that you have depression without adding to it by saying you suffer with it; people automatically assume that you are somehow "less than" if you have any kind of disability or illness.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression just after I had finished my treatment for womb cancer in August 2010. 

Whilst waiting for an appointment at the hospital I was asked to take part in a short survey about mental health of cancer patients. I was contacted a week or so later and asked if I would like to take part in a trial being run by CRUK which was about talking therapy to help deal with the mental health issues in cancer patients.

I agreed and every 3 weeks for about 3 months I went across to the mainland and spent an hour talking about things with a very lovely male nurse.

I soon realised that I had had depression for many years, I just wasn't aware of it. Lots of things slotted into place the more we talked and it made me realise that what I thought was just me being fed up and tired all the time was actually depression.

Part of the programme was learning to spot when the feelings of depression were getting stronger and then finding coping mechanisms to deal with them.

I found the programme very useful at the time and in the years that have followed have found myself referring back to what I learnt when I've had bouts of feeling bad re-appear.

Depression can affect people differently. With some it comes & goes, with others it is permanent. What I found from the programme I did was that the more you understand your depression the easier it is to deal with it.

I have chosen not to take any medication; it was something that I felt wasn't right for me and because of that when I have mentioned that I have depression I've been told that its not really depression because I'm not on pills.

So it's something that I rarely talk about. Like I said before, it affects people in different ways and we all have our own ways of coping.

There is a saying that it's good to talk about depression and whilst that is exactly what I am doing now, it's not something that I feel will help me in dealing with my depression.

Most of my depression is due to my other health issues and the fact that I can't do all the things that I want to do. Having cancer changed my life for the worse.

On the NHS website page about clinical depression there is a quick self assessment test you can do to see if you could be depressed. I have just done it and scored 20/27.

Over the years since I first realised I had depression I have, thanks to the programme I did, been able to sense when it was coming on and used the tools I learned to help me cope. As a result, the episodes of deep depression had got less and less and I was able to cope because I could see when it was resurfacing.

During covid I ended up in hospital after having a slight heart issue and spent 2 weeks in the coronary care unit. After about 10 days I had a bit of a mini break down; unfortunately it happened on a Sunday and there was no-one working in the mental health unit over the weekend but the lovely young nurse who sat with me for 20 mins as I sobbed away said she would mention it to the ward nurse and get someone to come & see me on the Monday. It never happened.

Back home a couple of days later, I tried to get an appointment with the mental health services here on the island but was told there was a very long waiting list as there was only 1 MH nurse. I was told there was a volunteer run service here where you could talk to someone about your problems.

As I've mentioned before - I don't feel that talking is going to be of any use to me. It's not going to take away the fact that I have had cancer or that I am living with long term side effects of the threatment; it won't stop the pain & fatigue or the sleepless nights; it won't stop me being diabetic and having bowel problems which mean I can't get to the loo in time and end up messing myself frequently.

It won't stop the fact that I wake up every morning feeling sad that I have woken up and have to go through yet another day of living like this.

I'm not suicidal, far from it. But I go to bed every night hoping that this will be the night that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

Occasionally I have posted on social media about the way I feel; not the deep, dark, blackness of it but the more general side of living with long term health issues and whilst many who reply are well meaning, the "hope you feel better soon" or the "have you tried ...." comments can be hard to take especially when you know that you are not telling them the whole truth about just how bad things are.

I know there are quite a few of my FB friends who have depression and they deal with it in their own way, as I do with mine. Sometimes though it would be nice to have someone just listen and say "I hear you". That's all I want. 

I don't want anyone to "fix" me or offer advice on what I should do - go for a walk, loose some weight, get some exercise, blah, blah, blah.

I've been told I moan about things too much. That I should be thankful that I don't have cancer anymore. That I'm always talking about my problems - whatever happened to "it's good to talk" eh!!

It is good that there is a lot more awareness around mental health issues and they are being talked about a lot more but there is still a very long way to go. Mental health issues with men is still somewhat of a taboo subject though there are many good initiatives out there helping to break the stigma.

However when you have people in the public eye who seem to take delight in mocking others who are open about their struggles with depression then you have to wonder if we have come very far at all.

Well, if you are still reading this then thank you for staying with me.

You may not agree with my point of view but that's ok, it's my life, my issues and my way of dealing with them. All I ask is for a little understanding, which is something you have from me if you are going through something similar.

The Cost of Living Crisis 2022 (updated Aug. 2022)

 

There has been an awful lot written over recent months about the very real struggle that a lot of people are having due to the cost of living crisis.

Coming on top of the pandemic & years of austerity, many families are really struggling to heat their homes and put food on the table. It's not just those on benefits either; many working families are now struggling too.

The recent huge hike in energy prices has pushed many who were just about managing, over the very steep edge of a very high cliff.

The number of people having to resort to using foodbanks has risen dramatically and many foodbanks are now giving out food parcels to people who once were in a position to donate items to foodbanks but now rely on those places to feed their families.

It is all very well some very vocal tory MP’s talking about how those who use foodbanks need to learn how to budget better and improve their cooking skills but you can’t make a meal out of nothing. If the fridge and the cupboards are empty then not even a Michelin 5 star chef is going to be able to feed the kids.

Shopping around and buying cheaper alternatives of staple foods is all well and good if you have access to various supermarkets and have the means to get there. If you are struggling to put a decent meal on the table then it’s unlikely that you have a car and have to rely on public transport, which is costly in many areas. If you happen to live in a rural or isolated community then you may well not have access to regular public transport either.

Those who do the rounds on tele and radio saying how easy it is to feed a family on 30p or how a bag of pasta will feed a family of 4 really have no idea at all of how others live. These people live what is seen my many as a life they can only dream about. Putting their meals on expenses or eating & drinking in the highly subsidised restaurants in Parliament.

Many of you may know that I live on a small Scottish island; we moved here 20 years ago. The only supermarket here is Co-op; they have 2 stores. One is a regular shop and the other is a small convenience type store where the prices are often higher and the range a lot smaller.

The main store has been through various incarnations over the years; it was Safeway when we first moved here is 2002 then Morrison’s, Somerfield and finally it turned into a Co-op.

The island is lucky to have 2 butchers, a fishmongers and a greengrocer aswell but as a vegetarian we only use the greengrocers occasionally as their prices are often a lot higher than the already expensive Co-op.

I wanted to write this piece today to highlight the fact that as food prices are ever increasing due to things like Brexit, the war in Ukraine and the general cost of living crisis, for some people the struggle is even harder if you live in rural or isolated communities.

So, here is a short price list of items I buy regularly from my local Co-op. Bear in mind that I can only shop online due to being housebound so don’t have the option of buying reduced price items or the luxury of shopping around.

This week’s shop included the following items:

Box 10 free range eggs - £1.35 (now £1.40)

4pt fresh whole milk - £1.50 (now £1.80)

Fresh cauliflower - £1.00 (now £1.10)

300g pack fresh mushrooms - £1.10

1kg bag carrots – 66p

4 pack loo roll - £1.50

Iceberg lettuce – 70p

250g unsalted butter - £2.00 

1lite bottle sunflower oil - £1.80 (currently out of stock)

1.5kg strong bread flour - £1.20

335g piece fresh broccoli – 70p (now 75p)

Fresh swede – 85p

Pack 6 fresh tomatoes – 66p (now 80p)

Tin co-op baked beans – 44p

Co-op tin chopped tomatoes – 52p (now 55p)

In recent weeks several items have increased in price. The box of eggs has gone up 10p; the loo roll has increased by a whopping 15p and the butter has increased by 30p a pack.

I would really like to see that tory MP produce a meal for 30p on the prices I have to pay for basic food stuffs. Instead of patronising people who are having to resort to using foodbanks by saying they need to learn to cook properly and budget better he needs to have a reality check and understand why so many people are having to resort to using these place. It’s not just people on benefits who need foodbanks but people who are working, nurses, teachers, etc. Also, it's not just a matter of not being able to afford basic food items; many people also can't afford the increased energy costs so have no way of cooking food. Telling people to cook a proper meal is pointless if they don't have any money on the meter for the cooker.

Remember that under the tories, who have been in power since 2010, the number of foodbanks in UK has dramatically increased.  In February 2021 there were over 1,300 Trussell Trust food banks and over 900 independent food banks in UK.

Many people who have never had to before are now having to turn to foodbanks to survive. Only yesterday I saw a post on twitter about a 91 year old lady who was so ashamed that she needed to use a foodbank because of the cost of living crisis.

Demonising people who use foodbanks and who are struggling to cope is the tory way unfortunately and has been their staple line of attack for decades. If you are poor, on benefit or struggling then it’s seen as your own fault and you are nothing more than a scrounger. Same with the elderly, disabled, homeless and otherwise vulnerable.

Things are that bad now that the places who try to help those most in need are now struggling themselves and many small foodbanks are running out of supplies because they are not getting the donations in.

It is a vicious circle and as usual it is always those at the bottom who are affected the most.

What is the answer? To be honest, I don’t know. What I do now is that it is a complex issue and trying to paper over the cracks is never going to work. Until we have a system that cares about everyone then nothing will change. Sadly, most people only care about themselves.

Being a kind, compassionate, caring person who wants to see a more equal society where everyone has the ability to live a better life is often seen as being a bad thing. Thankfully there are some good people out there who are trying their best to help others. Without them, things would be an awful lot worse than it is for so many people. 

Sadly, things are going to get even worse before they get any better.

Footnote Aug 2022 - I have also noted that over recent months the value range that the Co-op have (called Honest Value) has been dramatically scaled back. Not sure if it is just in our local store or is happening across all of their branches but their regular own label stuff has also been cut back. Seems they are moving towards only stocking major branded goods which is not good for those of us on limited incomes who have no other shopping options.