I'm having a bad day - again. Seem to be having a lot of bad days lately.
Combination of the dark, dreary days and the upcoming of what would have been Moms 79th Birthday on 21st March. It's been just over 15 months since she died and it's still a raw emotion.
I can feel the dark cloud descending over me like a heavy blanket.
I used to get these feelings years ago but never knew what it was but since being diagnosed with cancer and subsequently diagnosed with clinical depression I now have a name for these feelings!
I now know all about the "black dog" - he comes to visit on a regular basis. But rather than let him in to take over my life I make him sit in the corner and ignore him. I am in control here. I can't stop him coming, not yet; but I can have him here on my terms.
Another issue that has been getting me down is my health. At almost 5 years since my treatment ended I had hoped that I would be back to normal - (whatever that means) and be out doing all the things I used to do before cancer struck.
Things like walks along the beach; going camping; walking around the island.
It's hard accepting that its not going to happen. Even walking downstairs to get the bus is hard work - hence why I don't go out much.
Trying to adjust to a new "normal" is hard and its made even harder when chronic fatigue is added into the mix. People telling me that I just need a good nights sleep is not helping either - hence one of the reasons why I don't go out much.
Having to listen to people telling me that they got over their cancer and resumed a normal life within 3 months is not going to make me feel any better; neither is people telling me that I just need to get some exercise or to loose some weight!!
It's not about feeling sorry for myself or expecting others to feel sorry for me - sympathy I can do without. A little understanding wouldn't go amiss now and again but that seems to be asking for too much from some people.
Things need to change and only I can change them. Its going to be a hard task but its something I have to do. I survived cancer but for that to mean anything there has to be a reason for surviving it.
I just need to find one.