In a couple of weeks time it will be my 60th Birthday.
Getting older doesn't bother me; it never has. It's just a number, after all.
What does bother me, is simply that I have done nothing with my 60 years on this planet.
I have simply existed for all these years, day after day, week after week, year after year.
I have nothing to look back on; well nothing worth looking back on.
The cancer diagnosis in 2009 that has left me with an almost zero quality of life for the past 13+ years is nothing to smile about.
I often think back to when I was 16 and about to leave school. That transition time when you go from being a schoolchild to being an adult and venturing out in the big wide world.
It was a scary time. Being expected to act like you were grown up but still feeling like a child.
It was bad enough then but I'd hate to be a 16 year old now with all the added pressure that there is around.
The thought of leaving school and going out into the big wide world was very scary. Being expected to be responsible with money, get a job etc.
I decided to enrol in college as a sort of halfway step so I did 2 years at catering college and felt a bit more mature when I left there at 18 and then entered the big wide world.
Looking back, I don't think I ever really had any ideas what I wanted to do with my life. I came from a family where it was kind of expected that, as a female, you'd just get married and have kids. There was never any talk about planning for the future or expectations of going to university or having a career.
I did want to travel though and see the world but that never happened.
Instead, I left home at 19 and married at 20.
So as I reflect on the past 60 years, it is done so with an awful lot of regret & sadness.
I have done nothing of any major worth; I don't feel like I have accomplished anything of any significance.
I have just existed; one day after the other.
I don't normally believe in having regrets but in this instance I do regret not living my life more fully.
No-one is to blame, its just circumstances that led to other circumstances.
Now, its too late to change things.
They say that there is only one thing that is certain in life - and that is that one day you will die.
I don't fear that day at all.
