Thoughts on gender disparity in the care sector.

I've told hubby that I'm writing this and he has said he's ok with me doing it; I think you'll understand why this matters when you read it.

We all know that the care sector is over-stretched and has been for many years. We also know that its primarily a female dominated sector; whilst there are some men who work as carers the vast majority are women.

However, its probably a more even split when it comes to those who require the care, support & help which is not something that many people tend to think about.

Back story time. Hubby became ill (its complicated with various health issues involved) in late 2022. He suffered various falls which eventually led to him being hospitalised with a serious UTI and then being told that he had Parkinsons. He also has other long term issues such as being neuro-diverse and having hypermobility. This combination caused serious health issues which have resulted in him now being virtually imobile & incontinent.

I've now become his carer, despite me also having serious long term health issues, mostly stemming from my cancer treatment 15 years ago. I also have a heart condition now (AFib) and also had a mini stroke just over 4 years ago.

So its been tough for both us these past couple of years. We've always looked after each other throughout our 42+ years of being married but now its like the blind leading the blind.

Hubby went back into hospital in Oct. 2024 after another fall and that was when he started having carers come in (via social services) to help him change his incontinent pads & put on/take off compression stockings that he now has to wear.

It was too much for me to manage and so he reluctantly agreed to having them come in morning & evening & I would continue to do the other stuff he needed help with like showering, dressing etc.

He had another fall in Feb 2025 (which thankfully did not require being hospitalised) but by then his mobility was getting worse and so was mine. He hadn't had a shower since Xmas as he was unable to get into the bathroom. He was also struggling to walk much at all as he was using a zimmer frame and was very slow so OT got him a commode which sits like a (very tacky!!) throne in the living room.

It took me from the start of the year until about mid March for him to agree to have the carers do him a top half strip wash 3 times a week in the morning. 

Being neuro-diverse he finds having to deal with uncertainty, new people etc very hard which is why he felt uncomfortable having the carers coming in and doing stuff for him. He much preferred me doing it but knew it was getting hard for me so we compromised and he agreed to have them in 3 days a week (Mon/Wed/Fri) to wash him. He now has a full strip wash as he needed to be kept clean due to incontinence/leaking issues.

More women have seen my husband stark naked in the past couple of months than I care to think about. He says it doesn't bother him but I know deep down that he finds it uncomfortable being in the situation that he needs to have to do it.

This got me thinking about the issue of the inbalance in the care sector. Some of the carers have said that all elderly female clients on the island only get female carers but because of the lack of male carers here, don't offer the opposite to male clients. I can understand that its due to the lack of male carers but wondered how some elderly male clients, who may be widowed, frail or maybe even with dementia may feel having their personal care done by young women. They may be embarrassed but not feel able to speak up about it. Many might not have any family that they can raise the issue with. 

I think this is yet another hidden issue of the failings of the care sector. It is overstretched, under funded and the front line staff, ie the care workers get very little respect for the job they do, not only from the general public but their employers aswell.

Some of the things we've heard from the carers who come here are awful. From booking days off to attend their daughters wedding months in advance only to find out the week before that they are rota'ed to work that day, to having to attend to clients at different ends of the island and being expected to travel between the 2 virtually at warp speed!!

It's also become apparent that there are 2 types of carers. Those who love their job and have been doing it for years and those, most of who are in their very early 20's, who have almost been pushed into doing this job because thats all that is available.

It's either care work, the supermarket or work on the family farm. There is very little else available here on the island. If the pay was better then it might encourage more into the sector who actually want to do the job but can't afford to have a decent family life at the moment. Many of the ones who come here have second jobs to make ends meet at the moment.

These are just my thoughts on the subject but I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Do you work in the care sector?  Do you or a family member need carers? Is it something you worry about for the future?

Hubbys health is unlikely to improve and neither is mine so for now we plod on until things get to the point that we move on to the next step, but I have no idea what that will be. We both feel like we have been left floundering in the dark. Support from social services has been virtually non-existent and all the services - GP, District nurses, OT, physio, etc are completely disjointed.

I'm having to be his advocate and get shirty with people in order to get things done but its taking its toll on me big time and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it.

If you've got this far then thank you for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts.

Like I said, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts so feel free to leave a comment below.

Until next time. 😊

A day in the life of me as a full time unpaid carer

Today started early as always, although a little bit earlier than usual as it was just gone 5am and not 6am like it usually is.

Hubby had been lying awake for around an hour and couldn't take much more so had managed to sit up on the edge of the bed. His moving about is my signal to get up which I do as he can't do anything more other than sit on the edge of the bed by himself.

I pop the bedroom light on and nip to the loo then come back to help him change into a fresh incontinence pants and clean trousers & put his slippers on.

It's a struggle for both of us as he is very unsteady on his feet (he uses a zimmer frame) and I have my own long term health issues. I've got neuropathy in my fingers so grasping or holding stuff is hard so pulling up elasticated pants whilst sitting beside him on the edge of the bed is tricky especially as I try not to pull him over.

Once he's dressed he makes his way slowly across the hallway into the living room to his chair and sits down. Meanwhile I pop the kettle on to fill his hot water bottle ( and make myself a hot & strong coffee!) I get him settled in with his hot water bottle and cover him with his blanket.

Then I go back to the bedroom and put on my compression stockings, which again is a struggle but they need to go on before my legs start swelling due to the lymphoedema.

Once thats done I settle down in my chair to drink my now slightly cooler coffee. He usually wants a wee then, once his system has started to wake up so I have to help him do that. He could just do it in the incontinence pants but that means sitting in them all day and thats not a good idea so he uses a urine bottle which I then empty down the loo. 

We both doze on and off until around 8.30am when the carer arrives to apply his cream to his feet & put his socks & boots on. I can't bend down to do it due to my hernia. 

On a Monday, Wednesday & Friday he gets a quick top body wash from the carer aswell. So that entails a bowl of warm water, a flannel, some shower gel and a towel whilst he sits and gets a wash over.

After the carer leaves, its then time for breakfast and another coffee!!

He then sits and dozes for a while. On Wednesdays the district nurse comes out to check the blisters on his legs that came up due to the compression stockings he was wearing. Its been around 6 weeks now since he's been able to wear any and the swelling is still quite bad in his legs which is adding to his immobility. Today they said the blisters had healed ok so he's ok to wear new compression stockings so fingers crossed these won't rub and create more blisters.

The time between breakfast and lunch is spent dozing & doing a few exercises to help strengthen his muscles. It's a long slow process & very frustrating for hubby as he is used to being so active.

Just before lunch he took a slow shuffle on his zimmer frame across the living room to his other armchair for a change of scenery!

After lunch, which today was homemade quiche, boiled potatoes & stemaed brocolli, another wee nap and then it was time to manoeuvre himself into place to use the commode which unfortunately sits infront of the fireplace. I pull the blinds down to give him some privacy & once he is in place I have to lift the commode & place it behind him so he can sit on it. After he has done his business I place the lid on the commode, move it out of the way and then pull up his incontinence pants & trousers as he can't do it himself. 

Whilst he shuffles around to sit down in his chair, I go into the bathroom to empty the commode pan and wash & disinfect it and spray disinfect in the living room.

It's not pleasant having the commode in the living room & I'm always concious of any lingering smells but we have to do what we have to do. It's feels degrading both for me & for hubby; he hates having to rely on me to do it for him & I hate having to do it. 

Once he is cleaned up and back in his chair, with a fresh hot water bottle and covered with his blanket he has another nap.

He dozes on & off throughout the day as he doesn't sleep much at night, rarely spending more than 6 hours in bed although he only sleeps for about 4 hours.

Whilst he sleeps I potter about, sorting out washing, doing the washing up etc. 

Throughout the day there will be frequent hot water bottle refills, and similarly frequent wee's in the urine bottle.

Tea time is around 5.30pm & we settle down to listen to some podcasts or youtube videos before the evening carer comes around 7.45pm to take his boots & socks off.

The rest of the evening is a mix of naps, wee's, hot water bottle refills & the occasional bit of chocolate as a wee treat.

A final use of the commode takes place around 11.30pm before its time for bed.

Then we have to remove his trousers, change his incontinence pants & put his shorts on and then its time to manoeuvre into bed.

Lights out around 12.15am and then around 6am we do it all again.

This is a typical day here and has been like this for over 2 years now. We had a meeting with the care manager a couple of days ago asking for extra help but it obviously has to go through social services so who knows how long that will take or even if it will get approved.

It is a real struggle for me to manage as my own health issues are getting worse but its also a struggle for hubby having to rely on me.

For Context - hubby is neurodiverse & has hypermobility. He suffered with a very bad UTI almost 3 years ago which resulted in him having several falls. He ended up in hospital where he was then diagnosed with Parkinsons.

I have several long term health issues as a result of cancer treatment over 15 years ago, including bowel issues, lymphoedema & neuropathy. I was also diagnosed with AFib ( a heart condition) & type 2 diabetes 4 years ago. I have been housebound for over 5 years.

This blog post is just a small glimpse into our daily struggle. It's not done for sympathy just to raise awareness of what unpaid carers up and down the country have to deal with.

I know there will those whose struggle is far worse than ours & my heart goes out to them.

We all deserve better. We deserve more support and those we care for also deserve more help & support.

We do what we do because we love those we care for but we also deserve much more respect & support.

It's hard going from being a wife of over 40 years to a full time carer. My life now completely revolves around looking after hubby.

If you've read this far then thank you. I hope you never find yourself in this situation but knowing how bad the care system is in the UK these days, chances are you probably will do.