Living with Depression

I live with depression. I have finally said it out loud. Notice I said I "live" with it rather than "suffer" with it. There is sadly enough stigma around admitting that you have depression without adding to it by saying you suffer with it; people automatically assume that you are somehow "less than" if you have any kind of disability or illness.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression just after I had finished my treatment for womb cancer in August 2010. 

Whilst waiting for an appointment at the hospital I was asked to take part in a short survey about mental health of cancer patients. I was contacted a week or so later and asked if I would like to take part in a trial being run by CRUK which was about talking therapy to help deal with the mental health issues in cancer patients.

I agreed and every 3 weeks for about 3 months I went across to the mainland and spent an hour talking about things with a very lovely male nurse.

I soon realised that I had had depression for many years, I just wasn't aware of it. Lots of things slotted into place the more we talked and it made me realise that what I thought was just me being fed up and tired all the time was actually depression.

Part of the programme was learning to spot when the feelings of depression were getting stronger and then finding coping mechanisms to deal with them.

I found the programme very useful at the time and in the years that have followed have found myself referring back to what I learnt when I've had bouts of feeling bad re-appear.

Depression can affect people differently. With some it comes & goes, with others it is permanent. What I found from the programme I did was that the more you understand your depression the easier it is to deal with it.

I have chosen not to take any medication; it was something that I felt wasn't right for me and because of that when I have mentioned that I have depression I've been told that its not really depression because I'm not on pills.

So it's something that I rarely talk about. Like I said before, it affects people in different ways and we all have our own ways of coping.

There is a saying that it's good to talk about depression and whilst that is exactly what I am doing now, it's not something that I feel will help me in dealing with my depression.

Most of my depression is due to my other health issues and the fact that I can't do all the things that I want to do. Having cancer changed my life for the worse.

On the NHS website page about clinical depression there is a quick self assessment test you can do to see if you could be depressed. I have just done it and scored 20/27.

Over the years since I first realised I had depression I have, thanks to the programme I did, been able to sense when it was coming on and used the tools I learned to help me cope. As a result, the episodes of deep depression had got less and less and I was able to cope because I could see when it was resurfacing.

During covid I ended up in hospital after having a slight heart issue and spent 2 weeks in the coronary care unit. After about 10 days I had a bit of a mini break down; unfortunately it happened on a Sunday and there was no-one working in the mental health unit over the weekend but the lovely young nurse who sat with me for 20 mins as I sobbed away said she would mention it to the ward nurse and get someone to come & see me on the Monday. It never happened.

Back home a couple of days later, I tried to get an appointment with the mental health services here on the island but was told there was a very long waiting list as there was only 1 MH nurse. I was told there was a volunteer run service here where you could talk to someone about your problems.

As I've mentioned before - I don't feel that talking is going to be of any use to me. It's not going to take away the fact that I have had cancer or that I am living with long term side effects of the threatment; it won't stop the pain & fatigue or the sleepless nights; it won't stop me being diabetic and having bowel problems which mean I can't get to the loo in time and end up messing myself frequently.

It won't stop the fact that I wake up every morning feeling sad that I have woken up and have to go through yet another day of living like this.

I'm not suicidal, far from it. But I go to bed every night hoping that this will be the night that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

Occasionally I have posted on social media about the way I feel; not the deep, dark, blackness of it but the more general side of living with long term health issues and whilst many who reply are well meaning, the "hope you feel better soon" or the "have you tried ...." comments can be hard to take especially when you know that you are not telling them the whole truth about just how bad things are.

I know there are quite a few of my FB friends who have depression and they deal with it in their own way, as I do with mine. Sometimes though it would be nice to have someone just listen and say "I hear you". That's all I want. 

I don't want anyone to "fix" me or offer advice on what I should do - go for a walk, loose some weight, get some exercise, blah, blah, blah.

I've been told I moan about things too much. That I should be thankful that I don't have cancer anymore. That I'm always talking about my problems - whatever happened to "it's good to talk" eh!!

It is good that there is a lot more awareness around mental health issues and they are being talked about a lot more but there is still a very long way to go. Mental health issues with men is still somewhat of a taboo subject though there are many good initiatives out there helping to break the stigma.

However when you have people in the public eye who seem to take delight in mocking others who are open about their struggles with depression then you have to wonder if we have come very far at all.

Well, if you are still reading this then thank you for staying with me.

You may not agree with my point of view but that's ok, it's my life, my issues and my way of dealing with them. All I ask is for a little understanding, which is something you have from me if you are going through something similar.