Thoughts on gender disparity in the care sector.

I've told hubby that I'm writing this and he has said he's ok with me doing it; I think you'll understand why this matters when you read it.

We all know that the care sector is over-stretched and has been for many years. We also know that its primarily a female dominated sector; whilst there are some men who work as carers the vast majority are women.

However, its probably a more even split when it comes to those who require the care, support & help which is not something that many people tend to think about.

Back story time. Hubby became ill (its complicated with various health issues involved) in late 2022. He suffered various falls which eventually led to him being hospitalised with a serious UTI and then being told that he had Parkinsons. He also has other long term issues such as being neuro-diverse and having hypermobility. This combination caused serious health issues which have resulted in him now being virtually imobile & incontinent.

I've now become his carer, despite me also having serious long term health issues, mostly stemming from my cancer treatment 15 years ago. I also have a heart condition now (AFib) and also had a mini stroke just over 4 years ago.

So its been tough for both us these past couple of years. We've always looked after each other throughout our 42+ years of being married but now its like the blind leading the blind.

Hubby went back into hospital in Oct. 2024 after another fall and that was when he started having carers come in (via social services) to help him change his incontinent pads & put on/take off compression stockings that he now has to wear.

It was too much for me to manage and so he reluctantly agreed to having them come in morning & evening & I would continue to do the other stuff he needed help with like showering, dressing etc.

He had another fall in Feb 2025 (which thankfully did not require being hospitalised) but by then his mobility was getting worse and so was mine. He hadn't had a shower since Xmas as he was unable to get into the bathroom. He was also struggling to walk much at all as he was using a zimmer frame and was very slow so OT got him a commode which sits like a (very tacky!!) throne in the living room.

It took me from the start of the year until about mid March for him to agree to have the carers do him a top half strip wash 3 times a week in the morning. 

Being neuro-diverse he finds having to deal with uncertainty, new people etc very hard which is why he felt uncomfortable having the carers coming in and doing stuff for him. He much preferred me doing it but knew it was getting hard for me so we compromised and he agreed to have them in 3 days a week (Mon/Wed/Fri) to wash him. He now has a full strip wash as he needed to be kept clean due to incontinence/leaking issues.

More women have seen my husband stark naked in the past couple of months than I care to think about. He says it doesn't bother him but I know deep down that he finds it uncomfortable being in the situation that he needs to have to do it.

This got me thinking about the issue of the inbalance in the care sector. Some of the carers have said that all elderly female clients on the island only get female carers but because of the lack of male carers here, don't offer the opposite to male clients. I can understand that its due to the lack of male carers but wondered how some elderly male clients, who may be widowed, frail or maybe even with dementia may feel having their personal care done by young women. They may be embarrassed but not feel able to speak up about it. Many might not have any family that they can raise the issue with. 

I think this is yet another hidden issue of the failings of the care sector. It is overstretched, under funded and the front line staff, ie the care workers get very little respect for the job they do, not only from the general public but their employers aswell.

Some of the things we've heard from the carers who come here are awful. From booking days off to attend their daughters wedding months in advance only to find out the week before that they are rota'ed to work that day, to having to attend to clients at different ends of the island and being expected to travel between the 2 virtually at warp speed!!

It's also become apparent that there are 2 types of carers. Those who love their job and have been doing it for years and those, most of who are in their very early 20's, who have almost been pushed into doing this job because thats all that is available.

It's either care work, the supermarket or work on the family farm. There is very little else available here on the island. If the pay was better then it might encourage more into the sector who actually want to do the job but can't afford to have a decent family life at the moment. Many of the ones who come here have second jobs to make ends meet at the moment.

These are just my thoughts on the subject but I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Do you work in the care sector?  Do you or a family member need carers? Is it something you worry about for the future?

Hubbys health is unlikely to improve and neither is mine so for now we plod on until things get to the point that we move on to the next step, but I have no idea what that will be. We both feel like we have been left floundering in the dark. Support from social services has been virtually non-existent and all the services - GP, District nurses, OT, physio, etc are completely disjointed.

I'm having to be his advocate and get shirty with people in order to get things done but its taking its toll on me big time and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it.

If you've got this far then thank you for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts.

Like I said, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts so feel free to leave a comment below.

Until next time. 😊

A day in the life of me as a full time unpaid carer

Today started early as always, although a little bit earlier than usual as it was just gone 5am and not 6am like it usually is.

Hubby had been lying awake for around an hour and couldn't take much more so had managed to sit up on the edge of the bed. His moving about is my signal to get up which I do as he can't do anything more other than sit on the edge of the bed by himself.

I pop the bedroom light on and nip to the loo then come back to help him change into a fresh incontinence pants and clean trousers & put his slippers on.

It's a struggle for both of us as he is very unsteady on his feet (he uses a zimmer frame) and I have my own long term health issues. I've got neuropathy in my fingers so grasping or holding stuff is hard so pulling up elasticated pants whilst sitting beside him on the edge of the bed is tricky especially as I try not to pull him over.

Once he's dressed he makes his way slowly across the hallway into the living room to his chair and sits down. Meanwhile I pop the kettle on to fill his hot water bottle ( and make myself a hot & strong coffee!) I get him settled in with his hot water bottle and cover him with his blanket.

Then I go back to the bedroom and put on my compression stockings, which again is a struggle but they need to go on before my legs start swelling due to the lymphoedema.

Once thats done I settle down in my chair to drink my now slightly cooler coffee. He usually wants a wee then, once his system has started to wake up so I have to help him do that. He could just do it in the incontinence pants but that means sitting in them all day and thats not a good idea so he uses a urine bottle which I then empty down the loo. 

We both doze on and off until around 8.30am when the carer arrives to apply his cream to his feet & put his socks & boots on. I can't bend down to do it due to my hernia. 

On a Monday, Wednesday & Friday he gets a quick top body wash from the carer aswell. So that entails a bowl of warm water, a flannel, some shower gel and a towel whilst he sits and gets a wash over.

After the carer leaves, its then time for breakfast and another coffee!!

He then sits and dozes for a while. On Wednesdays the district nurse comes out to check the blisters on his legs that came up due to the compression stockings he was wearing. Its been around 6 weeks now since he's been able to wear any and the swelling is still quite bad in his legs which is adding to his immobility. Today they said the blisters had healed ok so he's ok to wear new compression stockings so fingers crossed these won't rub and create more blisters.

The time between breakfast and lunch is spent dozing & doing a few exercises to help strengthen his muscles. It's a long slow process & very frustrating for hubby as he is used to being so active.

Just before lunch he took a slow shuffle on his zimmer frame across the living room to his other armchair for a change of scenery!

After lunch, which today was homemade quiche, boiled potatoes & stemaed brocolli, another wee nap and then it was time to manoeuvre himself into place to use the commode which unfortunately sits infront of the fireplace. I pull the blinds down to give him some privacy & once he is in place I have to lift the commode & place it behind him so he can sit on it. After he has done his business I place the lid on the commode, move it out of the way and then pull up his incontinence pants & trousers as he can't do it himself. 

Whilst he shuffles around to sit down in his chair, I go into the bathroom to empty the commode pan and wash & disinfect it and spray disinfect in the living room.

It's not pleasant having the commode in the living room & I'm always concious of any lingering smells but we have to do what we have to do. It's feels degrading both for me & for hubby; he hates having to rely on me to do it for him & I hate having to do it. 

Once he is cleaned up and back in his chair, with a fresh hot water bottle and covered with his blanket he has another nap.

He dozes on & off throughout the day as he doesn't sleep much at night, rarely spending more than 6 hours in bed although he only sleeps for about 4 hours.

Whilst he sleeps I potter about, sorting out washing, doing the washing up etc. 

Throughout the day there will be frequent hot water bottle refills, and similarly frequent wee's in the urine bottle.

Tea time is around 5.30pm & we settle down to listen to some podcasts or youtube videos before the evening carer comes around 7.45pm to take his boots & socks off.

The rest of the evening is a mix of naps, wee's, hot water bottle refills & the occasional bit of chocolate as a wee treat.

A final use of the commode takes place around 11.30pm before its time for bed.

Then we have to remove his trousers, change his incontinence pants & put his shorts on and then its time to manoeuvre into bed.

Lights out around 12.15am and then around 6am we do it all again.

This is a typical day here and has been like this for over 2 years now. We had a meeting with the care manager a couple of days ago asking for extra help but it obviously has to go through social services so who knows how long that will take or even if it will get approved.

It is a real struggle for me to manage as my own health issues are getting worse but its also a struggle for hubby having to rely on me.

For Context - hubby is neurodiverse & has hypermobility. He suffered with a very bad UTI almost 3 years ago which resulted in him having several falls. He ended up in hospital where he was then diagnosed with Parkinsons.

I have several long term health issues as a result of cancer treatment over 15 years ago, including bowel issues, lymphoedema & neuropathy. I was also diagnosed with AFib ( a heart condition) & type 2 diabetes 4 years ago. I have been housebound for over 5 years.

This blog post is just a small glimpse into our daily struggle. It's not done for sympathy just to raise awareness of what unpaid carers up and down the country have to deal with.

I know there will those whose struggle is far worse than ours & my heart goes out to them.

We all deserve better. We deserve more support and those we care for also deserve more help & support.

We do what we do because we love those we care for but we also deserve much more respect & support.

It's hard going from being a wife of over 40 years to a full time carer. My life now completely revolves around looking after hubby.

If you've read this far then thank you. I hope you never find yourself in this situation but knowing how bad the care system is in the UK these days, chances are you probably will do. 

Living with chronic ill health.

Living with chronic ill health is hard.

It can sap what little energy you have, making even the smallest tasks like getting dressed or making a cuppa seem like a monumental effort.

A good nights sleep is often elusive, leaving you constantly tired.

It means your quality of life is very low, you have no desire ( or energy) to do the things that you once enjoyed.

If you have a recognised illness like MS, MND or even cancer, friends & family may try to understand your issues and the limitations they place on your day to day functioning but when your issues are more related to previous health problems and are long term side effects that vary but end up merging into a huge life changing complaint peoples reactions can be a lot less understanding.

I am living with several long term health issues, mostly arising from my cancer diagnosis/treatment back in 2009/10.

Each on their own is often hard to deal with but over the years the issues have got worse & some have spawned their own subsequent health issues resulting in me being a "complex case".

It can sometimes seem like being a hyperchondriac especially when you make a list and see it all there infront of your eyes.

I don't expect any sympathy from anyone. I just wish I could turn the clock back 14 years and refuse the cancer treatment that is the reason for most of my health issues. 

I know some people find that hard to accept but its my life that has been ruined. I have nothing to live for & haven't had for many years.

My mental health is bad, I now have crippling anxiety. Even if I could get out and about I wouldn't really want to so whats the point?

People say that talking helps but it doesn't for me. All talking does is remind me of the life I've lost.

I don't really know why I've written this blog post to be honest. I just feel the need to spew out the anger & resentment I have inside me. 

I feel like no-one understands what I am going through and even though I have repeatedly asked for help & support, I get none.

If you've got this far, then thank you for taking the time to read this.

Reflections on a wasted life!

In a couple of weeks time it will be my 60th Birthday.

Getting older doesn't bother me; it never has. It's just a number, after all.

What does bother me, is simply that I have done nothing with my 60 years on this planet.

I have simply existed for all these years, day after day, week after week, year after year.

I have nothing to look back on; well nothing worth looking back on.

The cancer diagnosis in 2009 that has left me with an almost zero quality of life for the past 13+ years is nothing to smile about.

I often think back to when I was 16 and about to leave school. That transition time when you go from being a schoolchild to being an adult and venturing out in the big wide world.

It was a scary time. Being expected to act like you were grown up but still feeling like a child.

It was bad enough then but I'd hate to be a 16 year old now with all the added pressure that there is around.

The thought of leaving school and going out into the big wide world was very scary. Being expected to be responsible with money, get a job etc.

I decided to enrol in college as a sort of halfway step so I did 2 years at catering college and felt a bit more mature when I left there at 18 and then entered the big wide world.

Looking back, I don't think I ever really had any ideas what I wanted to do with my life. I came from a family where it was kind of expected that, as a female, you'd just get married and have kids. There was never any talk about planning for the future or expectations of going to university or having a career.

I did want to travel though and see the world but that never happened. 

Instead, I left home at 19 and married at 20.

So as I reflect on the past 60 years, it is done so with an awful lot of regret & sadness.

I have done nothing of any major worth; I don't feel like I have accomplished anything of any significance.

I have just existed; one day after the other.

I don't normally believe in having regrets but in this instance I do regret not living my life more fully.

No-one is to blame, its just circumstances that led to other circumstances.

Now, its too late to change things.

They say that there is only one thing that is certain in life - and that is that one day you will die.

I don't fear that day at all.

When you can't prove who you really are.

Hello again, it's been a while since I last posted but things have been a bit hectic here lately.

I try to do regular scans on my laptop but over recent months it has slipped my mind somewhat however towards the end of last month I sat down early one Sunday morning with a mug of hot coffee & logged on. I set the scan in motion and when it had done I logged onto my emails and checked through them and then went to log into FB.

Thats when the problems started. 

I have 2 step verification set up (which I am told gives you that extra bit of security against scammers etc.) so this entailed FB texting me a code that I needed to enter in order to log into my account. After 5 minutes, there had been no text!!

Now you need to know that my mobile is a very basic one. It does text messages & calls; it is pay as you go; has no camera or internet connection & cost me £8. It is there for emergencies and is rarely used other than for getting text messages from FB or paypal with verification texts!!!

So, no text from FB with this all important verification code. I check the phone, battery  is charged, signal looks ok but just to be on the safe side I walk around the room, into the hallway and even out of the front door into the garden as we sometimes have signal interuptions here on our little scottish island.

Still no text message from FB. So I decide to call our home phone from the mobile. I get a message appear on the phone saying "emergency calls" only.

You may probably guess by now that I am not very techy at all. Infact I really hate technology and the way it controls our lives (but thats a whole other blog post!!)

Anyway, I decide to log onto the vodafone website & see if I can "chat" to an adviser. Turns out they use a chatbot who keeps telling me that they don't understand my question so I type "Can I speak to a human please?"

A couple of minutes later I am "talking" to Haania who, after taking me details asks me for the 1st 2 and last 2 letters of my memorable name!!!

Oh come on, you are talking to someone who can't remember what day of the week it is let alone what memorable name I used when I set up an account 15 years ago!!!!

After giving me a few prompts I finally manage to dig back into the depths of my memory and provide the correct letters.

Now, as I said earlier, my mobile is only for emergencies and rarely gets used. The last time it was topped up was with £10 when I went into hospital in Oct. 2020 and there was probably around £6 of that credit left so it came as no real surprise when the lovely Haania told me that my number had been deactivated due to not having been used for the previous 180 days!!

She said she would arrange for a new SIM card to be sent to me which would solve all my problems apparently. 

I asked if I could keep my old number and explained that it was registered with FB and other accounts and she said she needed to speak to her superviser about it and would be back in a couple of minutes.

This was my cue to dash to the loo as I was desperate after drinking a huge mug of coffee. I came back to find her typing a reply.

Her supervisor had said that when the new SIM card arrived I should log on to activate it and then they would arrange for me to transfer back to my old number.

OK, that seemed reasonable. I could go a few days without being able to log into FB.

The new SIM arrived 5 days later due to the Bank Holiday and I went back on the vodafone website to activate it only to be told by another person that it was not possible to swap back to my old number and that I should not have been told that I could and he was going to report Haania for telling me that I could.

I felt awful for the poor woman, despite me not being able to get into my FB account.

Vikram told me that old numbers go to be "recycled" & "cleaned" of all data and are then re-issued but he said he would double check to see if my old number was still available. 

Sadly it was not, and I also discovered that my unused credit had been wiped too along with all my saved messages & contacts as he said the old SIM had been wiped too so I had to put £10 credit on the new number and start all over again.

So, I had sorted out the phone issue but I was still not able to log into my FB account.

I tried to contact FB but it seems that you need to log in in order to do that so I tried to find an email address to contact them but every email I had from them had a "no reply" address so I tried reaching out to them via DM's on Twitter & Instagram but got no response.

According to FB, if you have 2 step verification and can't access your account or receive the code via text you can submit 2 documents that verify your idendity.

Thats when I hit the next problem. It says that the documents need to be in the name that appears on the FB account.

I am known to most people as Kaz but my real birth name is Karen and that is the one that is used for all offical stuff like GP records, utility bills (although most of them are done online) etc. I also do not have a driving licence or a valid passport (the old one expired over 15 years ago). They also wanted at least one document with date of birth on. 

Well, the ony document with my date of birth on is my birth certificate but that has my full maiden name on!!

Eventually after many swear words and lots of tears of stress I found a couple of documents that I thought would be enough. We currently did not have a working scanner so I had to take photos of them and upload them only to discover that FB would not accept them.

So I ended up having to order a new all in one printer which took 3 days to arrive!!

We are now up to Friday 12th May. The new printer has arrived, has all been set up (cue more swear words, broken nails & endless cups of coffee to keep me sane!!)

Documents are scanned, submitted and provisionally accepted. I get a message onscreen to say I will hear from FB in around 48 hours.

6pm on Sunday 14th I get an email saying that 1 of the documents was not suitable (but they don't say which one) and I should submit again. It's also a "no reply" email so I have no way of finding out which document is not suitable.

It is now over 2 weeks since I lost access to my FB account. Its not just my personal account that is at stake here. I run several pages including my womb cancer support organisation page - none of which I can access.

I have precious photos of my Mom on FB, messages from friends who have passed away and 15 years worth of memories. It's how I connect with friends & family.

There has been a lot in the news over recent weeks about people here in UK not being allowed to vote because of new rules bought in that require valid photo id of voters in order for them to exercise their democratic right to be able to vote.

This morning I have submitted more documents to FB in the hope that they will be accepted & I can gain access once again to my account.

If I do get back in, the first thing I will need to do is update my mobile phone details otherwise we'll be back to square one.

I hate technology.

UPDATE - I finally got back into my FB account on 19th May. 😃

 

Britain in 2022

 There is no doubt that here in UK, as in many other parts of the world, we live in a very unequal society.

Yesterday the death was announced of the Queen, aged 96. She died in one of her many homes, surrounded by her family. She lived a long & happy life.

The vast outpouring of grief being shown by many across MSM, TV & social media is way beyond even what it was when Diana died in 1997.

The Queen was a woman that very few of us would have ever met or had any dealings with. The nearest most people got to her was probably licking the back of a postage stamp.

It is possible to express condolence at her passing without all the public displays of mourning that is going on.

Yes, she was a Mother, Grandmother & Greatgrandmother and will of course be missed by her family but the world should not grind to a halt because of her death.

There are many who see the monarchy as an outdated institution and we could go into the old arguments of them being good for tourism etc but we have surely moved beyond that by now.

Scandal after scandal; members of the royal family seemingly above the rule of law or totally oblivious to how ordinary people live. 

They live their life surrounded by the best of everything whilst ordinary people struggle to heat their homes, feed their children or keep a roof over their heads.

Is this really the kind of society that we want to live in, in the 21st century?

Many believe that the monarchy is outdated and should be consigned to the history books like bear baiting, child labour and throwing people in the Tower of London & then beheading them.

The UK is probably as divided now as it ever has been. 

Estimates reckon that over 227,000 people in UK are homeless - either sleeping on the streets or in temporary B&B accomodation.

Nearly 6.73 million people are waiting for NHS treatment with over 355,000 waiting for over a year.

There are over 4.3 million children living in poverty in UK; thats 30% of all children.

We are currently going through a cost of living crisis which sees many thousands of people worrying about how they will pay their fuel bills and its not even winter yet. 

Spending time analysing who or what is to blame does not solve the problem that many are facing, and many will undoubtedly die this winter but as with covid, many of those in power seem to think its ok to "let the bodies pile high" with around 210,000 casualties of the pandemic so far.

The world does not stop because one woman has died. People are still dying around the world due to wars, famine, floods, climate change etc.

People are still sleeping on the streets; unable to heat their homes or access vital medical treatment.

Around 1,680 people died yesterday, of which the Queen was only one.

For every family that lost a loved one, it will have been an upsetting time and they will all need time to grieve.

Today, another 1,680 or so people will die and so again tomorrow and each day forward.

It is possible to be respectful and also say that the death of one person is no more tragic than any other.

In the grand scheme of things, death is the only certainty we have and no-one however priviledged or rich they may be, can escape that inevitability.   

 

Christmas & the cost of Living Crisis.

 As the cost of living crisis is really starting to bite for many, many people I've been thinking about just how hard Christmas will be for many families.

It's a tough time for many any year but this year is going to be especially hard for so many people.

How do you explain to young children that there won't be the usual amount of presents under the Xmas tree this year? How you you tell them that you have to make the choice between heating the house, putting food on the table or buying presents?

Many families rely on foodbanks & other small charities especially at Christmas time but the cost of living crisis is also affecting these places as donations drop and high energy costs are giving many no choice but to close their doors.

It is definetly going to be a bleak mid-winter.

So, we know what the problem is and although we are not politicians and can't solve the many & varied issues that are causing all this there must be something that we can do to help allieviate, even if only for one day, the anguish, dispair and distress that many people are feeling.

If you can, please support your local foodbank. They need essentials every day of the week (tbags, sugar, tinned stuff, toiletires etc) but in the few weeks before Xmas some little extras would really be welcome. Maybe biscuits, sweeties for the kids, tinned fruit, selection boxes etc. Just because people are poor doesn't mean that they can't enjoy a few little luxuries now and again.

Far too many people judge others when they see them with a mobile phone or driving a car without stopping the think that they may have had that phone for years or they live somewhere with no reliable public transport. 

Life is complex enough without others judging you for the way you live. 

If you have kids maybe have a sort through their old toys and see if there is anything in good condition that could be donated. Many foodbanks double up as a kind of Xmas gift bank too so are always looking for items that can be re-gifted. 

If you have a foodbank near you why not pop in and have a word with them. Find out what they are planning to do for Christmas and see how you can help. 

It somehow feels wrong to be thinking like this and its not in any way meant to be patronising - I'm in a similar position myself and have been in a much worse situation in years gone by so I know only too well how hard it is. Going to bed in my coat & gloves with 2 pairs of socks and a hot water bottle & having to scrape the thick ice of the windows because we couldn't afford to buy coal so had no heat or hot water.

Things have improved a bit thankfully for us but we will still struggle this winter although not as much as many people will.

We need to remember that many small businesses will also be struggling due to the cost of living crisis. All their costs will have increased and many will be having to pass on at least some of those costs to customers, knowing full well that its a tricky situation for everyone. Increase prices too much and customers will not buy; not increase prices and risk going under.

Sorry if this blog post seems a bit erratic but I'm just putting my thoughts down in written form and its such a complex issue and one that needs a multi pronged approach to resolve that my mind is all over the place.

I feel the need to do something - but what? I know many other feel the same way. Reading through my twitter feed I see so many like minded people who are trying to figure out how, not only they can deal with the crisis themselves but how they can help others who are less fortunate than them.

I don't have spare cash to spend but there has to be other ways to help people.

I you have any suggestions then please feel free to comment below or start your own thread on social media.  

Maybe we need an appropriate hashtag that we can rally round - any suggestions?

I'm going to end this here as I've rambled on enough for now. Need to sit and thing about what to do next.

Thanks for reading this and if you feel the same as I do, thank you for caring.

Until next time.