Black Dog Days.

Sorry I've not been writing recently. I know I promised at the beginning of the year that I would try and post a bit more regularly but its proving to be easier said than done.

Those of you that have know me for some time will know that I was diagnosed with cancer at the very end of 2009. I had surgery (a hysterectomy) followed by chemotherapy and then radiotherapy - all of which have unfortunately left me with a host of long term side effects that mean my quality of life is not very good.
I am stuck in the flat most of the time and rarely go out. The physical issues are not helped by the cognitive issues that I also have which means that inevitably I suffer with severe depression from time to time.

I've been on a bit of a downer since before Xmas and thought I was coming out of it a week or so back but seem to be going down again.

I don't fight it anymore; I've learnt to let it roll over me and not fight it. Easier said than done I know, but recognising its coming on can make all the difference to how it affects me.

The fact that I don't have to function out of the flat, in the real world makes it easier although sometimes when the sun is shining I wish I could drag myself down the stairs and go for a walk down to the beach.

It's hard to make people understand how hard it is to live with depression. I know what I am going through is nowhere near as bad as what some people have to deal with but it still affects my life in ways that I never thought it would.

Being diagnosed with cancer was something I never expected to happen to me; but I did expect after the treatment was over that my life would get back to normal (whatever normal is!!) but things have gotten worse, not better.

People assume that because I no longer have cancer that everything is ok, but its not and they find it very difficult to accept that. Telling me I look ok doesn't mean that I am.

I don't want any sympathy - just a bit of understanding that's all.