Living with Depression

I live with depression. I have finally said it out loud. Notice I said I "live" with it rather than "suffer" with it. There is sadly enough stigma around admitting that you have depression without adding to it by saying you suffer with it; people automatically assume that you are somehow "less than" if you have any kind of disability or illness.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression just after I had finished my treatment for womb cancer in August 2010. 

Whilst waiting for an appointment at the hospital I was asked to take part in a short survey about mental health of cancer patients. I was contacted a week or so later and asked if I would like to take part in a trial being run by CRUK which was about talking therapy to help deal with the mental health issues in cancer patients.

I agreed and every 3 weeks for about 3 months I went across to the mainland and spent an hour talking about things with a very lovely male nurse.

I soon realised that I had had depression for many years, I just wasn't aware of it. Lots of things slotted into place the more we talked and it made me realise that what I thought was just me being fed up and tired all the time was actually depression.

Part of the programme was learning to spot when the feelings of depression were getting stronger and then finding coping mechanisms to deal with them.

I found the programme very useful at the time and in the years that have followed have found myself referring back to what I learnt when I've had bouts of feeling bad re-appear.

Depression can affect people differently. With some it comes & goes, with others it is permanent. What I found from the programme I did was that the more you understand your depression the easier it is to deal with it.

I have chosen not to take any medication; it was something that I felt wasn't right for me and because of that when I have mentioned that I have depression I've been told that its not really depression because I'm not on pills.

So it's something that I rarely talk about. Like I said before, it affects people in different ways and we all have our own ways of coping.

There is a saying that it's good to talk about depression and whilst that is exactly what I am doing now, it's not something that I feel will help me in dealing with my depression.

Most of my depression is due to my other health issues and the fact that I can't do all the things that I want to do. Having cancer changed my life for the worse.

On the NHS website page about clinical depression there is a quick self assessment test you can do to see if you could be depressed. I have just done it and scored 20/27.

Over the years since I first realised I had depression I have, thanks to the programme I did, been able to sense when it was coming on and used the tools I learned to help me cope. As a result, the episodes of deep depression had got less and less and I was able to cope because I could see when it was resurfacing.

During covid I ended up in hospital after having a slight heart issue and spent 2 weeks in the coronary care unit. After about 10 days I had a bit of a mini break down; unfortunately it happened on a Sunday and there was no-one working in the mental health unit over the weekend but the lovely young nurse who sat with me for 20 mins as I sobbed away said she would mention it to the ward nurse and get someone to come & see me on the Monday. It never happened.

Back home a couple of days later, I tried to get an appointment with the mental health services here on the island but was told there was a very long waiting list as there was only 1 MH nurse. I was told there was a volunteer run service here where you could talk to someone about your problems.

As I've mentioned before - I don't feel that talking is going to be of any use to me. It's not going to take away the fact that I have had cancer or that I am living with long term side effects of the threatment; it won't stop the pain & fatigue or the sleepless nights; it won't stop me being diabetic and having bowel problems which mean I can't get to the loo in time and end up messing myself frequently.

It won't stop the fact that I wake up every morning feeling sad that I have woken up and have to go through yet another day of living like this.

I'm not suicidal, far from it. But I go to bed every night hoping that this will be the night that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

Occasionally I have posted on social media about the way I feel; not the deep, dark, blackness of it but the more general side of living with long term health issues and whilst many who reply are well meaning, the "hope you feel better soon" or the "have you tried ...." comments can be hard to take especially when you know that you are not telling them the whole truth about just how bad things are.

I know there are quite a few of my FB friends who have depression and they deal with it in their own way, as I do with mine. Sometimes though it would be nice to have someone just listen and say "I hear you". That's all I want. 

I don't want anyone to "fix" me or offer advice on what I should do - go for a walk, loose some weight, get some exercise, blah, blah, blah.

I've been told I moan about things too much. That I should be thankful that I don't have cancer anymore. That I'm always talking about my problems - whatever happened to "it's good to talk" eh!!

It is good that there is a lot more awareness around mental health issues and they are being talked about a lot more but there is still a very long way to go. Mental health issues with men is still somewhat of a taboo subject though there are many good initiatives out there helping to break the stigma.

However when you have people in the public eye who seem to take delight in mocking others who are open about their struggles with depression then you have to wonder if we have come very far at all.

Well, if you are still reading this then thank you for staying with me.

You may not agree with my point of view but that's ok, it's my life, my issues and my way of dealing with them. All I ask is for a little understanding, which is something you have from me if you are going through something similar.

The Cost of Living Crisis 2022 (updated Aug. 2022)

 

There has been an awful lot written over recent months about the very real struggle that a lot of people are having due to the cost of living crisis.

Coming on top of the pandemic & years of austerity, many families are really struggling to heat their homes and put food on the table. It's not just those on benefits either; many working families are now struggling too.

The recent huge hike in energy prices has pushed many who were just about managing, over the very steep edge of a very high cliff.

The number of people having to resort to using foodbanks has risen dramatically and many foodbanks are now giving out food parcels to people who once were in a position to donate items to foodbanks but now rely on those places to feed their families.

It is all very well some very vocal tory MP’s talking about how those who use foodbanks need to learn how to budget better and improve their cooking skills but you can’t make a meal out of nothing. If the fridge and the cupboards are empty then not even a Michelin 5 star chef is going to be able to feed the kids.

Shopping around and buying cheaper alternatives of staple foods is all well and good if you have access to various supermarkets and have the means to get there. If you are struggling to put a decent meal on the table then it’s unlikely that you have a car and have to rely on public transport, which is costly in many areas. If you happen to live in a rural or isolated community then you may well not have access to regular public transport either.

Those who do the rounds on tele and radio saying how easy it is to feed a family on 30p or how a bag of pasta will feed a family of 4 really have no idea at all of how others live. These people live what is seen my many as a life they can only dream about. Putting their meals on expenses or eating & drinking in the highly subsidised restaurants in Parliament.

Many of you may know that I live on a small Scottish island; we moved here 20 years ago. The only supermarket here is Co-op; they have 2 stores. One is a regular shop and the other is a small convenience type store where the prices are often higher and the range a lot smaller.

The main store has been through various incarnations over the years; it was Safeway when we first moved here is 2002 then Morrison’s, Somerfield and finally it turned into a Co-op.

The island is lucky to have 2 butchers, a fishmongers and a greengrocer aswell but as a vegetarian we only use the greengrocers occasionally as their prices are often a lot higher than the already expensive Co-op.

I wanted to write this piece today to highlight the fact that as food prices are ever increasing due to things like Brexit, the war in Ukraine and the general cost of living crisis, for some people the struggle is even harder if you live in rural or isolated communities.

So, here is a short price list of items I buy regularly from my local Co-op. Bear in mind that I can only shop online due to being housebound so don’t have the option of buying reduced price items or the luxury of shopping around.

This week’s shop included the following items:

Box 10 free range eggs - £1.35 (now £1.40)

4pt fresh whole milk - £1.50 (now £1.80)

Fresh cauliflower - £1.00 (now £1.10)

300g pack fresh mushrooms - £1.10

1kg bag carrots – 66p

4 pack loo roll - £1.50

Iceberg lettuce – 70p

250g unsalted butter - £2.00 

1lite bottle sunflower oil - £1.80 (currently out of stock)

1.5kg strong bread flour - £1.20

335g piece fresh broccoli – 70p (now 75p)

Fresh swede – 85p

Pack 6 fresh tomatoes – 66p (now 80p)

Tin co-op baked beans – 44p

Co-op tin chopped tomatoes – 52p (now 55p)

In recent weeks several items have increased in price. The box of eggs has gone up 10p; the loo roll has increased by a whopping 15p and the butter has increased by 30p a pack.

I would really like to see that tory MP produce a meal for 30p on the prices I have to pay for basic food stuffs. Instead of patronising people who are having to resort to using foodbanks by saying they need to learn to cook properly and budget better he needs to have a reality check and understand why so many people are having to resort to using these place. It’s not just people on benefits who need foodbanks but people who are working, nurses, teachers, etc. Also, it's not just a matter of not being able to afford basic food items; many people also can't afford the increased energy costs so have no way of cooking food. Telling people to cook a proper meal is pointless if they don't have any money on the meter for the cooker.

Remember that under the tories, who have been in power since 2010, the number of foodbanks in UK has dramatically increased.  In February 2021 there were over 1,300 Trussell Trust food banks and over 900 independent food banks in UK.

Many people who have never had to before are now having to turn to foodbanks to survive. Only yesterday I saw a post on twitter about a 91 year old lady who was so ashamed that she needed to use a foodbank because of the cost of living crisis.

Demonising people who use foodbanks and who are struggling to cope is the tory way unfortunately and has been their staple line of attack for decades. If you are poor, on benefit or struggling then it’s seen as your own fault and you are nothing more than a scrounger. Same with the elderly, disabled, homeless and otherwise vulnerable.

Things are that bad now that the places who try to help those most in need are now struggling themselves and many small foodbanks are running out of supplies because they are not getting the donations in.

It is a vicious circle and as usual it is always those at the bottom who are affected the most.

What is the answer? To be honest, I don’t know. What I do now is that it is a complex issue and trying to paper over the cracks is never going to work. Until we have a system that cares about everyone then nothing will change. Sadly, most people only care about themselves.

Being a kind, compassionate, caring person who wants to see a more equal society where everyone has the ability to live a better life is often seen as being a bad thing. Thankfully there are some good people out there who are trying their best to help others. Without them, things would be an awful lot worse than it is for so many people. 

Sadly, things are going to get even worse before they get any better.

Footnote Aug 2022 - I have also noted that over recent months the value range that the Co-op have (called Honest Value) has been dramatically scaled back. Not sure if it is just in our local store or is happening across all of their branches but their regular own label stuff has also been cut back. Seems they are moving towards only stocking major branded goods which is not good for those of us on limited incomes who have no other shopping options.

Why you should always look behind the labels.

 Consumers have a lot of power in todays market place.

Where you choose to spend your money can have a huge effect on many things such as the environment or human rights issues.

We take something as simple as going to the supermarket to buy a bar of chocolate, a jar of coffee or a box of eggs for granted but your decision can have far reaching consequences that you might never think about.

You might not think that your decision to buy or not to buy a particular product will have any bearing on the way that the company who owns that brand or product will trade but you'd be surprised at just how much power consumers have when they put their mind to it.

Individual actions, when multiplied by hundreds, thousands or even millions of times hit companies where it hurts - in the pocket.

Most companies only care about one thing - and thats profit. Anything that affects that, whether it be bad publicity, slump in sales or even boycotts, has the ability to turn the heads of even the most hard nosed of CEO's and force them to change.

But just how easy is it to be an ethical consumer when there is so much choice about?

I'd say the most important thing you can do is to learn to read the labels on the products you buy - and I mean the labels on everything. Coffee, chocolate, wine, detergents, jeans, newspapers, electronics. Anything you purchase.

You are spending your money - don't you want to know where it is going? 

You can start with small steps if the thought of making wholesale changes to your shopping habits is too much to bear but the important thing is to do it.

Not only will you be helping to protect the environment but you will also be protecting the human rights of often exploited people around the world.

In this day and age of a global market many once familiar household brands are now owned by much bigger multinational corporations and it can often be hard to know who exactly owns what.

Which is why it is important to read the labels and, if you want to be extra clued up - do your homework.

Many brands that you think are ethical could be owned by a much bigger company that you might not actually want to contribute to so it is even more important to know your stuff as companies often get bought out and sold on.

Ethical Consumer is a great website to use & I recently found this article which you might find useful and a good starting point if you want to become more ethical in your shopping habits.

Remember that you don't have to make wholesale changes to the way you shop (good if you can, but its not always practical) but any change is a step in the right direction.

Together, with each small step we can make a difference.

New Year but same old covid!!

 Welcome to 2022. Where covid is still here, despite the government scrapping regulations that were trying to keep people protected. 

Now instead of trying to keep on top of it & protect the most vulnerable in society, we are being told to "learn to live with it" & get on with our lives.

Sadly for over 150k people, they have no life left to live as they have died & many of their families have not even been able to be with their loved ones in their final moments or attend funerals.

Many people understand that the way this whole pandemic has been handled has been nothing short of a total cock up from the very start.

Of course, its a once in a lifetime occurance (hopefully) & being able to forsee how things will evolve is always going to be difficult but when corruption, lying & incompetence are added to the mix then things get really complicated - & people die as a result, thousands of them.

With hindsight, many people would probably agree that the way the pandemic has been handled has been far from ideal. The economy has been the priority rather than people & that means that the suffering has been much worse that it needed to be.

It is almost 2 years since most of us heard the word "covid" for the first time & since then it has been ever present. Most conversations will mention it at some point, either in the supermarket queue or at the school gates or round the dinner table.

 Opinions get shared, tempers get frayed & arguments ensue. The pro's & cons of wearing a mask; vaccination status; kids in/out of school; another lockdown. 

Many people have struggled over the past 2 years -  those working on the frontline like NHS staff or those who are disabled or vulnerable & have been stuck at home desperatly trying to avoid being infected.

Covid has divided families in so many ways. Either through differences of opinion or because of lockdown rules forcing them apart. It has & continues to be hard for so many people.

According to statistics, over 153,000 people have died from covid but the actual figure is bound to be much higher if you take into account the number of people who have taken their own lives due to mental health issues during the past 2 years. This is something that doesn't seem to be mentioned much. The stress of covid restrictions on small businesses; on family life etc will have long reaching consequences.

Will we ever see the back of covid or is it going to be ever present in our lives? Something we absorb into our daily lives & accept as the norm. Who knows, but one thing is for sure, it has changed us far more than we know unfortunately.

Older & Wiser!!! Reflecting on a wasted life.

Not sure if it's just me but I think the older you get the more you tend to reflect on the life you have lived.

Around the age of 50-ish is when I think it tends to start. Before that age you still have time to do the stuff you've maybe always wanted to do but after that age you tend to think that maybe you've left it too late.

When we are younger we have all these ideas of what we want to do with our lives; what kind of job we want; where we want to live; where we want to travel to; things we want to see and do. If we are lucky then we get to do some of it.

But for many people those dreams never turn into reality. Not for want of wishing or trying - but sometimes, everyday "life" just gets in the way and you spend so much time existing that you never get the chance to do what you really want to do.

When I was younger (which was a long time ago!!) I wanted to travel the world, like a lot of people do. I wanted to be a photographer, going from country to country, capturing the culture and people there in images.

But, that never happened. 

"Life" happened though and in a couple of years time I will be 60 and I wonder where all the time went.

I look back on my life and wonder what happened; life just slipped me by somehow. 

I got as far as 46 with nothing major happening and then cancer came visiting. Like most people who hear the word "cancer" I felt that my life was over. 

You tend to get very reflective when something major like a major injury or health issues occurs but I had nothing to look back on - and nothing much to look forward to either.

The ongoing health issues resulting from my cancer diagnosis has meant that my quality of life has been close to zero since then and sometimes, in the depths of depression I wonder what the point of it all is. 

I don't like the "fight" & "battle" language that is used around cancer but I often wonder if it was worth going through all the treatment, pain, discomfort, worry etc. 

Cancer patients often talk about their life in 2 parts - BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer). For me, AC has been a waste of time. I know some people reading this will be shocked at that, but hopefully some will understand what I mean. 

Because of my ongoing health issues, which are mostly as a result of the treatment I had (chemotherapy & radiotherapy), I have said many times that if I knew then what I know now I would not have had the treatment. 

When people hear me say that some say things like "but you've had all these extra years" but what is the point of having "all these extra years" if I've not been able to do anything with them? I would rather have had a year or 2 (maybe more who knows) of being able to do something in what time I had left. Knowing that my time was possibly limited might have spurred me on to do some of what I had always wanted to do, but now I can't.

So less than 2 years until I hit 60. I'm not afraid of getting older or even of dying. It's the one thing that we can all be certain of - that one day we will die. However long we live, whether it be 10, 20, 30 or even 100 years - we will all die eventually.

I can't understand these people who want to live forever. WHY? 

I would just like to be able to do something with what is left of my life before I die. Something that gave my life meaning; something worthwhile; something that gave me enjoyment and made me feel alive.

Is that too much to ask?

1 Year On.

 

12 months ago today, 8th Oct at around 9am I called the local health centre to ask if a GP could do a home visit as I was unable to leave the flat to go up there due to various reasons. However the GP refused to come see me and sent out an ambulance & 2 paramedics to take me up to the local hospital. I felt this was totally unneccesary and a complete waste of money.  

They arrived around lunchtime & strapped me into some metal chair which was very uncomfortable and dragged me down the stairs like I was a sack of coal. I was getting increasingly stressed and they wouldn’t stop despite me screaming at them. They could see I was severely agitated and crying yet they refused to stop. By the time I got into the ambulance I had almost passed out and needed oxygen. Yet before they arrived I was walking about in the flat, albeit slowly but ok. They way they treated me was not what I expected and it left me extremely traumatised & distressed.

I aksed to see a GP because I had a large abcess in my groin area but by the time I got up to the hospital I was virtually unable to breath without oxygen and was highly distressed.

At the hospital I was seen to by a couple of nurses and then the rest of it is mostly a blur. I remember seeing a couple of faces I recognised (it’s a small island and you get used to seeing people around even if you don’t know their names) I must have passed out a few times because when I woke up my clothes – my top & bra (both brand new) had been cut off me as had my knickers & trousers and I was in the obligatory hospital gown – which as always is never big enough. I was told I needed to go to the mainland and would be airlifted over once the helicopter had landed over the road on the local football pitch.

I spent the next 2 weeks in Paisley hospital in the coronary care unit – seems I had something called “Atrial Fibrillation” which is a heart condition that causes an irregular and often abnormally fast heart rate. I was told it was like a mini heart attack.

You can read the blog post I wrote when I eventually got out of hospital here 

I ended up back at the local hospital a week after coming home as I had a mini stroke – so heart issues, diabetes & a stroke. I don’t do things by halves me!!!!

So a year on, nothing much has changed. Health is still bad, I’m still on meds for the heart issue, and the diabetes, which I was told I had less than an hour before I was discharged from the hospital after nearly 2 weeks – is causing me a lot of problems. I had asked to be referred to mental health services but they are totally overstretched here on the island and not taking new referals apparently so nothing came of that. 

I’m still housebound, so in total (apart from the trip to hospital) I’ve not been out of the flat for nearly 20 months since late Feb. 2020.

Still not seen a GP either!!!

 

Why Freedom Day is anything but for many people.

 

The last 16 months or so have been a difficult time for many people. Since Covid came into our lives, what we think of as our “normal” has shifted and many of us no longer know what normal feels like.

So much has changed; so many things we used to take for granted have been lost, destroyed or otherwise altered.

Talk of so called “Freedom Day” on 19^th July rings hollow for many people like those who have lost loved ones, either due to covid itself or as a result of other issues that have taken a back seat during the pandemic.

No matter how many times we hear that it is business as usual during the pandemic either from the NHS or from GP’s & Doctors there are many, many people who have stories of cancelled appointments – for screenings, treatments, surgery etc.

From the work I do running Womb Cancer Support UK, I hear constantly from people who have struggled to get a face to face appointment with a GP to discuss heavy bleeding or pain; those who have been diagnosed who have had their hysterectomy surgery cancelled at the last minute; had their chemo treatment delayed, etc.

It seems like cancer has been forgotten about and the only thing that matters is covid. This isn’t a dig at the NHS but it is to the people who run it, especially to government who seem determined to run it into the ground and sell it off.

Now I’m not going to turn this into a political post because anyone with eyes & ears should be able to see what is happening & why but there are many ill, disabled & vulnerable people who have been forgotten about or ignored (depending on your viewpoint) during the pandemic, and all this talk of “Freedom Day” means nothing to them other than dread. Because they know that once again their lives mean little to those who run this country.

Many have had their support cut during the pandemic and unpaid carers have been hung out to dry by having to take up the slack and look after family & relatives.

I know from my own experience just how little support there is for those of us that fall through the cracks of an already fractured care support system. Both myself & my husband have complex health issues but we have been left to just get on with it during the pandemic (not to mention the last 12 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, but that’s a whole other story!!)

The point is, that many vulnerable people are still scared to go out; to go shopping; to go to work. Going to the pub or a football match is not a priority for them – staying alive is. To see 60,000+ people in Wembley this week makes many of us feel that all those months of isolation & struggle have been a total waste of time. All that for nothing. The coronavirus is still here, it is mutating and despite the vaccine rollout out the numbers of people being infected is going up and the number of deaths as a result will climb again.

More familes loosing loved ones – and it could all have been prevented or at least not been as drastic if this whole thing had been handled properly, if the scientists had been listened to and common sense had been used rather than the irresponsible contempt that has been shown to the citizens of the UK.